So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
