and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize