You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
