The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize