I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
