never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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