Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
