At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
