My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
