All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
