I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
