so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize