I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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