Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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