I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
