He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
