i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
