I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
