Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
