I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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