So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I skipped work to stalk him.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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