Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We were destined to go to rehab together
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
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