so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
