I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
