I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
