can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Nicole vs. Life
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
