Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize