i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
