he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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