You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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