dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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