Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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