3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
