I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
