Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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