i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
