It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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