I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
