If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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