people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
