you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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