Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
