I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
