Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize