ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
