Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
