i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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