all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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