Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
