a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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