I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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