you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
