WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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