The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
