how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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