your parents love me but you hate me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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