low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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