It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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